An Ocean of Grief: Coping with Loss in a Time of Constant Change
“Water in dream time is always a gift to help you become more aware of what you are feeling, which is why dreams about water are so significant.” — Laura P. Grace, PhD
The glint of the sun bounced off the ocean, bathing everything in a brilliant light. I squinted, raising a hand to shield my eyes, but as much as I tried, I could only see the surrounding area. The waves calmly lifted me, keeping my body afloat, my toes barely touching the surface below. With arms outstretched, I leaned back, allowing myself to move with each ebb and flow — I was keeping time with the ocean. I closed my eyes, allowing my body’s full weight to be carried by the ocean’s keep. With each breath, I could hear my heartbeat steady and strong in my ears. I could sense the tips of the crests clapping, the waves rocking me, lulling me to rest.
Suddenly, a thunderous wave crashes into me; I feel it before I hear it. My head and chest are submerged beneath the ocean. I tried to stand, but I couldn’t get my footing. I flail my arms cutting through the thick waves to gain balance. I look up and see a shadowy figure above me. Its hand pierces the water, grabs hold, and pulls me out. I’m upright now, with labored breath but standing. “You good, Cynt?” I heard him say. “Yea, I’m good.” I respond, my voice shakey. It was my brother. I knew that voice anywhere. Relieved, I turned towards him, but with the sun’s brightness, I could barely see him. “James?” I say, but he doesn’t respond.
“James?” I asked again, looking around. The clouds have moved in front of the sun, eclipsing the brightness. I hear the seagulls above, gawking, moving in a flight pattern that suggests they’re on the hunt for food. The ocean is calm again, the waves gently nudging me. The soft earth below my feet shifts with the sea, causing me to dig deeper. He was gone. I was upright but shaken.
Today would have been my big brother’s 53rd birthday; he passed last month. He celebrated all the big and not-so-big moments in my life. From breakdancing in talent shows when we were kids to chaperoning my first date (yikes! story for another day). He attended high school and college graduations, was there when I gave birth to my first child, and purchased my first home. He was active in my children’s lives, supporting them in tennis, football, and even cringy trumpet lessons. And even when I decided to start looking into the genealogy of our family and explore and share our Gullah roots, he was right there with me.
The dream I had, frightened me, but oddly I found a weird sense of comfort in it all. I know that my brother is with the ancestors now. Maybe granny’s making a mess of collards and cornbread for him. Maybe, Uncle Will and my cousin, Jermaine’s engaged him in a hand of tonk or spades. Maybe he’s sitting with great grandma Bec and great-great granddad Adam. Or maybe he’s just sitting in the presence of God.
I came across a quote from On Grief and Grieving that says, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you’ll learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
I am not the same. I feel bits and pieces of my old self slowly falling away to reveal something new. I’m still determining who she is. I’ll be patient and kind to see what emerges. I will be gentle with myself. I know that I can no longer afford to allow myself to be overwhelmed by the waves of life. I can no longer afford to brace myself for impact — because whether I’m alert or not, tumultuous times will come. And when they come, I have a choice either I can allow it to consume me, or I can do my best to ride the wave and be carried by it until I can get upright again.
Happy birthday, James. I love you. I miss you.
Quote source: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler on Grief and Grieving
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